"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed." - After Earth
I am unable to think clear. I am so paralyzed that I just sometimes lay in bed, not moving an inch, only at times consciously breathing. If one asked me what I've been doing lately, I would reply either one of these two: nothing or breathing. I feel crippled. I promised myself a lot of things, a lot of memories to come. A lot of summers and a lot of laughter.. I ask myself "what if I won't make them come true?".. This is fear and it most definitely isn't real. It's just my mind that twists things over and over. My mind that got so tired of just remembering and not quite living. I am lucky though to have so many strengths to remember.
I got so tired tonight. Part of me tired of explaining, part of me tired of the panic attacks. I guess explaining has gotten to me. I keep telling people why I feel like this, I keep opening up. It took a lot of time and understanding to be able to open up. And when I finally did, I was a weirdo. This is not somebody else here. It's still me, the one you relied on when you were beat, the one you had so tremendous fun with, the one whose shoulder you cried on. I don't wanna cry on your shoulder. I just want everybody to stop questioning and start accepting. That fear is sometimes real for a crippled soul and a crippled mind. If one can't be there, at least they shouldn't do more harm. I wouldn't blame you so much for leaving as I would blame you for staying and in fact not being here at all.