As good as it gets

   Whenever you think this is as good as it gets, you wind up realizing it can get so much better. When things, people or simply life brings you down, it's in human nature to question. And all of the sudden, out of nowhere, your life changes, in a way that's even better than winning the lottery. What happens next?

   Most of the times, you screw up. Because you don't believe you're worth it. Or because it seems too good to be true. You might be right in a way, afraid to take chances, afraid to change the comfort of your life so far. I'm not the gambling type. Not when it comes to my life. But sometimes, few times but still, I go all in.

   The most wonderful times of my life happened when I did just that. It doesn't necessarily mean that the outcome was great, nor that I was guaranteed a happily ever after. It was just a time that made me grow, that drove me towards goals I didn't think were achievable. 

   Of course I think about those times, of course I wish some things wouldn't have ever ended, yeah there are nights when I dream of you and me in that "we'll always have Paris" way. But then again I know and will always know this: what I have now, who I am now, who I am with now, this isn't for sure, not by far, as good as it gets..

    

Don't save me. Just stand by me while I save myself.

   "Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity Kitai. Do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed." - After Earth

   I am unable to think clear. I am so paralyzed that I just sometimes lay in bed, not moving an inch, only at times consciously breathing. If one asked me what I've been doing lately, I would reply either one of these two: nothing or breathing. I feel crippled. I promised myself a lot of things, a lot of memories to come. A lot of summers and a lot of laughter.. I ask myself "what if I won't make them come true?".. This is fear and it most definitely isn't real. It's just my mind that twists things over and over. My mind that got so tired of just remembering and not quite living. I am lucky though to have so many strengths to remember.

   I got so tired tonight. Part of me tired of explaining, part of me tired of the panic attacks. I guess explaining has gotten to me. I keep telling people why I feel like this, I keep opening up. It took a lot of time and understanding to be able to open up. And when I finally did, I was a weirdo. This is not somebody else here. It's still me, the one you relied on when you were beat, the one you had so tremendous fun with, the one whose shoulder you cried on. I don't wanna cry on your shoulder. I just want everybody to stop questioning and start accepting. That fear is sometimes real for a crippled soul and a crippled mind. If one can't be there, at least they shouldn't do more harm. I wouldn't blame you so much for leaving as I would blame you for staying and in fact not being here at all.

Halloween

   

   Anul asta, de Halloween, m-am costumat in mine si am ramas acasa. Cred ca treaba nu a fost niciodata asa de scary. Am avut masti, costume si dovleci scobiti cu imaginatie, pe parcursul anilor. Am fost la petreceri, mai mult sau mai putin reusite. Dar azi nu. Azi am stat acasa, eu cu panicile mele. Nu m-a speriat vreun monstru, sau vreo vrajitoare, sau cine stie ce machiaj bine realizat, asa de bine cum reusesc sa o fac eu. 

   Am impresia ca m-am saturat pur si simplu sa respir. Pentru ca de multe ori, in timp ce toti isi beau vinul, sucul, apa plata cu lamaie, eu respir. Si stiu ca respir, fiindca ma numar, ma controlez, ascult inima, pun respiratia peste bataile ei, de parca fac muzica si versurile. Nu e simplu sa respiri, jur! 

   Daca mai lipsesc de aici, daca nu scriu asa des, asa mult, sunt doar ocupata sa respir. In mintea mea oricum mi-am scris cat pentru zece vieti. Si abia astept sa le traiesc pe fiecare dintre ele.